Blog: From Charm to Harm

I often get requests to provide therapy for family members who want to help loved ones in emotionally abusive relationships. Their previous rescue attempts resulted in frustration, anger, and estrangement.

There are ways to help. But first helpers must consider that abuse victims could be struggling with psychological conditions that obstruct another’s good intentions to help them. Understanding these conditions can mean the difference between helping and contributing to the difficulties.

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In one of my therapy sessions, a young woman told me that after 10 months of marriage, she now realized that her husband is emotionally abusive to her. In the early stages of their relationship, he could hardly do enough to please her. But as they got closer to their wedding day, his behavior toward her, although subtle, was negative and made her feel inadequate in some way. He made disparaging comments about her appearance or criticized her in front of friends. When anything went wrong, he blamed her for the problem and never seemed to take responsibility for his behavior. When she complained about his treatment, he called her a drama queen.

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In therapy with clients who are in emotionally abusive relationships, I determine what coping methods they are using to handle the abuse. Coping methods are thoughts, emotions, and behaviors used in an attempt to reduce negative outcomes. Often, I find that my clients are using maladaptive coping mechanisms that are counterproductive and create more trouble. First, I help them realize how they are contributing to the abuse, and second, we find positive ways to tackle the issues and nurture emotional health.

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Do you ever ask yourself, “How did I get to be such a wimp with my partner?” It likely happened when you acted out of fear and insecurity and decided to tolerate your mate’s manipulative and controlling behavior. Maybe you wanted to keep the peace or pleasing others is tied to your sense of self-worth.

Being a pushover is never the solution to a difficult relationship. Tolerating hurtful treatment weakens self-esteem and self-confidence and perpetuates the cycle of emotional abuse.

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It’s exasperating when your intimate partner alternates between warmth and coldness. You never know what mood will appear. The trouble is usually blamed on you and you struggle to understand what you did.

Your response may be to cater to your moody partner. It’s a natural reaction when you want to get back into your mate’s good graces. But taking the blame and trying to please temperamental partners will only encourage their moodiness and make you feel dejected and vulnerable.

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